There Weren't Enough Moments Like This
by solice-in-silence
Summary: A collection of moments for my Shepard and Kaidan Alenko throughout the third game, the title taken from his comment on their Citadel date.
1. Wake Me

**I adore Shenko, and in the absence of anyone I know wanting to RP Kaidan for me, I am going to write some little Shenko cute snapshots of their relationship in ME3. This one is taken straight from the game – I don't know if anyone else has seen it. I go and talk to Kaidan and the rest of the squad after every single mission, on one occasion after his comment about the last mission I clicked him again and got the comment about 'You didn't wake me' which just made me go AWWHHH and I had to expand upon it. Please review if you like, and feel free to message me if you RP Bioware at all. **

The doors hissed open, and a smile flicked across her mouth at the sight that greeted her. For a moment she paused, leaning against the open doors as she stared across the door – Kaidan sat beside the bookshelves, his head down, one hand idly rubbing the back of his neck as his hazel eyes rapidly skittered across the page. Her entrance hadn't disturbed him, whatever he was reading had completely absorbed him, and she enjoyed the voyeuristic moment of watching him. After a moment she stood up straight, crossing the room and moving to stand at the side of the cocoon chair he was in, trying to see what he was reading, but her movement at his side did attract Kaidan's attention and he looked up, smiling at her immediately.

"Hey Shepard…there you are" he said, looking up at the blonde, and she smiled, one hand resting on the egg shaped chair.

"Are you flirting with me Major Alenko?" she teased lightly, an old joke between the two of them.

"I hope so" he chuckled, glancing toward the closed door. "Hey…you didn't wake me this morning" he added, his voice lower as though the metal splitting them from the rest of the ship wasn't enough to mask their voices. His hand reached out, he cupped the back of her knee light as he looked up at her and she shrugged, brushing a strand of hair back behind her ear.

"I didn't have the heart" she confessed. "Has anyone ever told you you're adorable when you're asleep?" she commented, a smile crossing her features although she was serious. It was still a new experience to her, waking up to somebody else in her bed. The last time they'd been in a relationship, Kaidan had been far more concerned with keeping their relationship 'hidden'. It had never worked; Ashley had seen the attraction immediately between the two of them and had been happy to enlighten a few of the less observant members of the crew. Just because the rest of their friends had been understanding enough to keep the relationship secret from the Alliance brass, and had allowed Kaidan to believe he was more subtle then he was, hadn't meant it hadn't been obvious – and yet, he had refused to share her quarters for an entire night.

This time around, things were different. Their last mission had been dangerous, they'd believed Ilos was a suicide run, but it didn't even compare to the constant danger they were in this time. It had been sudden last time, they'd known they had a tricky fight on their hands but until Ilos they hadn't believed they might die – this time, they'd spent months with the threat of Reapers over their heads (almost literally) and maybe it was that strain that had worn Kaidan down, and made him more willing to take risks, even if they might get caught.

Or maybe, it was his new status. They were both Spectres now, their situation was slightly different – they weren't at such a risk of fraternisation charges, or being pulled up on something as basic as regs about not sleeping with other members of your crew – their mission was important enough she found it hard to believe even the Alliance would be in a rush to punish romantic relationships in its ranks. Or maybe it was just that he'd lost her once before – the destruction of the first Normandy had left Kaidan convinced she was gone forever, even on Horizon he hadn't truly believed Shepard was back, not 'his' Shepard, he'd been convinced Cerberus had changed her.

She wasn't sure what had changed his mind, but she was happy to accept his new willingness to take risks if it meant they could spend more time together.

It felt…oddly normal compared to the rest of what she faced during the day, to spend the evenings with Kaidan, and then wake with him in the morning. Normally he was awake before her, even with her years of military training Shepard was still prone to sleeping in to the last possible moment. She got out of bed because it was required of her, not because she was a natural morning person…but sometimes the nightmares that plagued her drove her from sleep earlier then she wanted.

The whispers of friends she'd lost, the flames and forest, the ghost of a boy she couldn't save…the blonde had woken with a jolt, immediately wide awake as she stared around the room. The light from the aquarium ensured her cabin was never pitch black, it gave off a blue glow she found reassuring and she watched the fish for a moment as her heart rate slowed and her mind began to slowly process that she was safe…and there was a weight across her stomach.

Turning her head she relaxed further at the sight beside her. Kaidan's face was half buried against the pillows, his eyes closed, his expression blissfully free from any of the tension she sometime saw during the day, his curly hair mussed, one arm was bent and beneath the pillows, the other was draped across her waist, pinning her to the bed although her movement hadn't disturbed his own slumber.

For a long moment she watched him, studying him, noting some of the changes that had appeared since she met him – the first scattering of silver hairs buried in the rest of the black waves, crow's feet beginning to frame his eyes, a faint scar on his jawline which she didn't know the story of…he looked older then he had at Eden's Prime, and she found herself wanting to protect him. He seemed more vulnerable asleep, and her heart swelled as she leant forward and pressed a light kiss against his temple. He had shifted slightly, murmured softly in his sleep and turned his face more into the pillow, but it hadn't woken him – and nor had he woken as she had slipped out from underneath his arm and moved away.

A nervous chuckle escaped him and Kaidan shook his head. "I think you might be the first" he admitted.

"Besides, I figured you needed your rest" she pointed out gently.

"Next time…wake me" he assured her, a familiar smile crossing his face, and Shepard arched one eyebrow, dropping to sit across his lap, one hand on his shoulder.

"Sounds like you have a plan" she commented, her fingers stroking up the skin of his neck. "You gonna share it with me?"

"Sure…when you wake me".


	2. Look at the Stars

"It's a pretty amazing view you have".

Shepard glanced up. It took a moment for her to focus, her eyes blurry from focusing on the data pads that covered the desk before her, and the added oddness of looking across at him through glass and around the model ships that hung suspended between them. She had never yet figured out how he could get any work done sprawled on the sofa in her cabin, if Shepard sat down on anything that comfortable the motivation to file any reports seemed to slip away in favour of resting her exhausted muscles and maybe taking a nap. Then again, if she had joined him on the sofa, neither would have gotten any work done as yet another distraction would have reared its head.

"Hmm?" she questioned, the sound escaping her before she actually registered what he had said and what he was doing – lifting her head at the sound of his voice seemed like second nature. His hazel gaze was turned upward and she followed it with her own grey eyes to the skylight fitted in her cabin, a vast square revealing the sky above, currently (as it nearly always was) an endless blackness dotted with stars.

"Oh. Yeah, I guess" she said before turning back to the data pads. Her comment was intended to be casual, she had attempted to school her voice to sound…well, normal, but lying had never come easy to her – Shepard had always been honest, and spoken her mind, it wasn't in her nature to be deceitful and the lack of practice would have been clear to anyone who knew her. And Kaidan knew her so well, and remembered as well, how much more enthralled she had been by the night sky – and by the beauty of the universe full stop – before the destruction of the Normandy (she always thought of it as the fight that blew apart her ship, rather than remembering the affect it had had on her) that he was concerned at once.

"You guess?" he repeated, slightly incredulously as he stood up, and Shepard pushed back a few loose strands of hair awkwardly as she prepared herself for his questioning, inhaling slowly as he walked around and perched on the edge of her desk. His brow was furrowed slightly as he looked down at her, his arms loosely folded across his chest. "Since when do you look at the stars and answer 'yeah I guess'?" Kaidan questioned her, and Shepard shrugged.

It wasn't a secret she supposed but it was…raw. And vulnerable and revealing and even with Alenko, she found it hard to show that side of herself. Since she was sixteen she'd taken care of herself and done everything within her power to take care of those around her as well. Nobody could accuse her of being distant, she cared for all her team, and always made the effort to get to know them and understand them which inevitably turned into friendships, but she didn't open up as much about her own life.

"I remember when you found the stars beautiful. And when you told me you looked up at the stars and thought of all the people out there, all the worlds and all the people, and all the colonies that needed the Alliance – when the stars were a reason for you to fight". An involuntary lump rose in her throat, not especially because of his words but how closely he could quote back something she'd told him three years ago. "What changed Shepard?" he asked her, and despite everything that they had gotten past, she couldn't help but wonder if his old suspicion was hiding behind that question – the suspicion that she wasn't the woman he had met, that she wasn't the same person, that Cerberus had changed her. Perhaps that, more than anything else, helped her to be honest with her emotions and confess her…not fear, but misgivings about the star filled sky.

"I don't remember…anything of those two years. The last thing I remember is the destruction of the Normandy" she began slowly, her gaze shifting away from Kaidan to fix on the patch of the window she could see from her desk, through the gap between a model of her first ship and the Citadel. "I remember sending you away and going after Joker, and dragging him from his seat, having to all but _throw_ him into the escape shuttle…and then…there was an explosion". She shook her head very slightly, frowning as she tried to remember the details but it had all happened so fast.

"I was holding the ship, and there was another explosion, and I was thrown backward. I saw the Collector beam and the blast tore apart the ship and there was fire and then all I saw was the stars. I couldn't breathe, suit malfunction and…that is the last thing I remember. Panic and my lung tightening and the sight of stars".

Eloquent it was not, but honest it was and she turned back to Kaidan she saw sympathy in his gaze and the blonde shrugged rapidly. "The view reminds me" she explained, turning away.

One hand stroked through her fair hair and down the back of her neck, Kaiden leant forward and kissed the top of her head, a gesture oddly affectionate and protective.

"Shepard…I..." he hesitated for a moment, his hand moving to her chin to tip it up slightly. "I'm sorry".

Forcing a smile she stood up. "It just makes it difficult to see them in the same light".

Strong arms looped around her waist and pulled her closer, there was the warm smell of musk that was infinitely familiar and the solidness of his chest against her stomach as she tilted her head up to meet his gaze.

"I guess I better find you a new reason to fight" he suggested softly and Shepard laughed, a very brief exhale of amusement.

"You already gave me one" she assured him, coiling her arms around his neck and pulling his mouth down against hers. They didn't break the kiss as he awkwardly manoeuvred her across the room, turning her to drop her on the bed, his hands moving beneath her clothing as he leaned over her, and she focused on him and not the starlight background that surrounded him.


	3. Headaches

**Just a little bit of fluff, in the form of a little glimpse at Kaidan's migraines - I thinks its probably obligatory to touch on the subject! I hope people are still enjoying my little outlet, and there are currently two more chapters underway, including some humour. Please review and let me know what you think.**

It didn't bother Shepard that Kaidan had gradually begun to adopt her cabin as his own, his few personal belongings making a slow migration from the more communal quarters into her cabin. But he still tended to wait till she was in there before arriving himself, he'd come up with her or follow her a little later if she had work to do – finding him in there when she arrived was unusual and had her on alert in a moment as she entered the room and heard his breathing.

He'd dimmed the lights, but the aquarium glowed blue still. Some might find the sapphire lighting eerie, to Shepard the soft lighting signified safety. It didn't matter that the Collectors had destroyed this vessel once and stripped it of its crew another time, even with the dark night sky above and invading, this was still somewhere tranquil, still somewhere she felt safe, and the serene image of the fish in the tank was a part of that.

"Kaidan?" she asked the room softly, moving forward and a muffled reply came from the bed, the noise more a groan then a word.

"Hey" she murmured more quietly, sitting down on the edge of the bed. Kaidan was on his side, under the covers, his body slightly curled around and a pillow over his head which would explain why his reply had been so hard to understand as it made its way through foam. Taking a seat slowly, concerned that even the movement of the mattress might disturb him, she reached out one pale hand, marked with freckles and scars, and touched it to the pillow that covered his face.

"How bad?" she asked softly and the Major uncovered his face reluctantly. Tension showed in the lines of his face, his expression taut and his eyes closed, and she lay the cool palm of her hand against his forehead.

"Pretty bad" he confessed hoarsely.

The migraines had always plagued Kaidan, they had reared their head a few times as they tracked down Saren and it did not surprise her they continued to plague him now – in truth, Shepard thought she ought to consider it a blessing that when his implant had been 'rattled' as he put it, they hadn't gotten significantly worse – at least not that she could tell. He refused reparations, and counted himself 'lucky' that this was all he struggled with – others wearing the L2 implants could be completely crippled by the side effects, Kaidan could manage a relatively normal life. In truth, Shepard sometimes suspected they bothered her more than him. Kaidan had accepted them as part of his life, she still hated to see him in pain, hated to see him suffering and tormented by an enemy she couldn't fight – it made her feel so useless.

"Did you speak to Dr Chakwas?" she asked, her voice still a soft whisper as her fingers stroked across the skin of his forehead, the closest thing to relief she could offer.

"No".

"I'll go see her" the blonde decided, anything to feel useful, as though she could do something and she got to her feet but an arm reached out and tried to stop her. With his eyes closed and his head pounding, stabbing pains in his temples was how he'd described it before, he missed – whether he'd been reaching for her waist or her arm she wasn't sure, but his fingers brushed uselessly at her and failed to get a grip. Shepard stopped though, standing by the bed.

"We might need any pain meds…some other time" he finished lamely. "Somebody else might need them more". The clear strain in his voice made her fingers clench into fists and she bit her lip as she looked down at him. Part of her was tempted to ignore that, to go to Chakwas anyway and demand something, anything, that would help clear his mind and help him relax or sleep – but at the same time, she could see the rationale in his words. Medical supplies were at a premium across the galaxy, and she could see his point. Kaidan had suffered with his migraines for years, and they were…well…frustrating and problematic when they arrived, and they usually rendered Kaidan bedridden so Shepard would take somebody else with her in her shore party, but it wasn't life threatening.

"What can I do?" she asked helplessly as she sat back down. Fixing things was what Shepard did, faced with a situation that couldn't be solved with either diplomatic reasoning or gunfire left her feeling completely at a loss as she reached out one hand and touched the curly mass of his hair lightly.

"Just…stay with me" he said, the words not quite a plea but it was a close run thing as she shifted to sit on the bed, her legs stretched out before her, and let him shift his head from the pillows to her lap. One hand cupped the back of his head, her fingers twisted into the dark tendrils of his hair, the other stroked along his shoulder till the rise and fall of his chest began to settle into a regular pattern as he relaxed.

"What would I do without you?" His words were murmured so softly she hardly caught the comment, his whisper almost lost, and she could tell he was falling asleep from the thickness of his voice.

It was a comment any couple might make, grateful for their partners presence. Another time, another place, Shepard might have joked with Kaidan, teased him – but the uncertainties of war had already meant he'd already found out once how he would cope without her, and she couldn't promise it wouldn't happen again. So she stayed silent, swallowing awkwardly and pushing away the feelings inspired by his words, her fingers still stroking through his hair.

There was a whole universe out there depending on her, the weight of more people then she could fathom rested on her shoulders, and the stress never left her. and yet somehow it was Kaidan's comment that brought it all home and made her truly think about how much was at stake and how much she had to lose.


	4. Labels

The text on the data pad began to blur, her tired eyes blinked repeatedly as she tried to focus on the orange writing but a combination of sheer, physical exhaustion – every muscle in her body ached and felt so heavy that the idea of moving seemed like more effort than she could ever hope to summon at this moment. In truth, what she wanted was sleep. To sink into the pillows, bury herself under the duvet and let her body rest and her mind sink into sleep – and ideally to stay that way for hours without her personal console beeping with urgent messages only she could deal with. But duty called, and Shepard forced herself to keep reading the reports, till a hand covered the screen and she lifted her head.

"C'mon Shepard…that's enough" Kaidan told her softly, tugging it away from her grip and placing it on the desk before her.

"I just need to finish reading the reports from Admiral Hackett" she protested but he just shook his head, taking a seat beside her, one hand brushing a stray strand of hair off her face.

"You won't do anyone any good if you wear yourself into the ground. You need to rest, Shepard, you're still human" he reminded her softly, a faint trace of exasperation in his voice that she continued to push herself to her limit and past it in her attempt to co-ordinate as many sides of the fight as possible. His hand lingered against her cheek, fingers brushing her neck, and Shepard sighed softly, turning her head slightly toward his touch.

"Surely by now I can technically count as a cyborg?" she suggested wearily, trying for a smile with the joke but it didn't quite manage to settle on her features.

"Well, you're not synthetic enough that you can get away without sleep – c'mon. Bed" Kaidan told her firmly, getting to his feet and offering her a hand.

"That sounded suspiciously like an order" she responded, looking at his outstretched fingers for a moment before looking up to meet his hazel eyes, the golden gaze that kept her centered when everything around was going insane.

"If that's what it takes. I'm your boyfriend, right? I've got to get to tell you what to do occasionally" he quipped back with an easy grin.

There was quite possibly nobody else in the galaxy who could have made her laugh right now, tired to her very bones and so frazzled and stressed by the constant stream of reports, updates, information and requests sent her way – only Kaidan could have inspired laughter from her in this state. That had been the worst part of working alongside Cerberus, of taking down the Collector's base. It wasn't that nobody else in her crew could be funny, Tali and Garrus shared a sense of humour that could make Shepard chuckle, and she'd often found Mordin hilarious – but they made her laugh when things were easy and they were throwing banter back and forth. Kaidan had been able to make her smile even when things seemed bleak, and she could return the favour. Maybe it was because of their intimacy, he might call her by her surname, but he didn't think of her as his Commander in the same way the others did – or maybe it was because Shepard was reluctant to show the others when she was feeling down, she preferred to hide away and not give them the choice to help.

"Boyfriend, is it?" she questioned curiously as she took the proffered hand and used it to pull herself forward, feeling his fingers curl around hers as he braced himself and then helped haul her to her feet, his other hand moving to her waist. Concern flickered across his expression for a moment as he looked at her before he spoke again.

"You don't like the term 'boyfriend'?" he questioned her and the blonde shrugged. It wasn't that she questioned the status of their relationship, but they had never used the term before and it was…well, odd.

"You're thirty five, and I'm thirty-"

"Thirty two Shepard-"

"I spent two years dead, that's bad enough, I'm not aging during that time as well, I'm_ thirty, _which seems a little old to be using terms like 'boyfriend'" she pointed out, letting him drag her toward the bed as she spoke.

"Well – what would you call me?" he questioned, sitting down on the end of the bed, letting go of her as he leant forward to remove his footwear, but even as his fingers unlaced his boots his gaze stayed on Shepard curiously and the blonde leaned back on her elbows as she considered.

"I don't know…partner I guess?" she suggested with a shrug. Their relationship was an open secret, but rarely talked about. She had never had to tell anyone about the two of them, people had always known – Joker's big mouth coming into play there, or Garrus putting in a more subtle word in people's ears – so Shepard had never had to clarify their relationship before. In truth, she only ever thought of it as a relationship, she didn't use a term in her mind for Kaidan. Partner sounded too business like, lover was so…_ick_ to her mind, she hated the saccharine overtones, and boyfriend was juvenile. He was Kaidan – he was her rock and she didn't need a word to describe what they were.

"What do you refer to me as?" she asked curiously, half sitting up again and then moving to her knees as she crawled up the bed, all but collapsing against the pillows as Kaidan moved up the mattress to join her.

"I don't need to. I call you Shepard, but…well I think it's pretty damn obvious" he confessed, one hand trailing along the dip of her waist and the curve of her hip as he met her gaze. A sly smile touched her face. He had a point there. She had overheard Joker teasing him for his doe eyes – Kaidan couldn't hide his emotions as well as he thought, and it was obvious to Shepard in the tone of his voice and the way he looked at her – she could easily believe other people saw it too.

Another yawn escaped her as she tried to speak and Kaidan pulled the blankets over the two of them, pulling her close, his arms slipping around her, her head pillowed against his shoulder.

"I love you" he murmured, his mouth against her hair so she felt the faint hum of his words as well as hearing them. "I don't need a word for it, for this – it doesn't matter. I just need you to know that I love you" he told her, pressing a kiss against her temple.

"I love you too" she murmured, the sentiment no less sincere for the weariness that was apparent in her voice.

"Sleep Shepard – and yes, that's an order".


	5. Serrice Ice Brandy

When Dr Chakwas – or Karin, as she supposed she ought to say although that was going to take some getting used to – had brought out the Serrice Ice Brandy, Shepard had initially been unsure of whether to accept the drink. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy the beverage, or had a particular aversion to getting drunk – alcohol was part of the Alliance, when you spent your days risking your life you needed a way to blow off steam afterwards, and Marines were known for their partying – but it had seemed almost like tempting fate. To break open the bottle early, 'just in case' they didn't get another opportunity…a strange, superstitious part of her mind had reared its head, concerned that by doing so they might almost be signing their own death warrant –as though the gods of fate would have spared them had they been saving the bottle for after their victory. It made no sense to the rationale mind, and yet part of her had held back for a moment.

But at the same time, she was genuinely touched the doctor had remembered their rather tipsy agreement, and had gone to the effort to get a bottle so the two of them would have some time to talk – and it would be a shame to waste it, if…if the worst should come to pass and it was left untouched. It didn't do any good to think that way, and Shepard had tried to leave such mournful musings aside as she fetched two glasses.

A couple of hours later, her head buzzing slightly she made slightly unsteady progress from the medical bay to the elevator, where she propped herself up against the wall as the rising sensation of the lift made her stomach drop. She had never been a lightweight, but she hadn't been drinking the way she used to, and she was feeling distinctly tipsy and off balance – although she was certainly in a better state than the good doctor!

Reaching her cabin, the doors hissed open for her and she crossed the room on tottering legs, but a smile crossed her face at the sight on the bed. She had forgotten Kaidan's visit to the medical bay, him leaning against the door with one eyebrow raised as he watched the two women, normally so seriously devoted to their duties, both in fits of giggles. He had planned to say goodnight, but Shepard had asked – no, actually thinking back, she might have drunkenly demanded – that he be waiting for her later, and he'd agreed with an amused chuckle.

He was propped up by pillows, his chest bare and the covers pooled invitingly beneath at his waist. Her dove grey gaze raked over the muscles of his stomach before lifting to his face, where he wore a wry grin as he reached one hand behind his bed and looked at her.

"You found your way back to your cabin at last then, eh?" he commented and Shepard shrugged, moving forward and resting both hands on the edge of the bed to balance herself as she leant down and kissed him.

"Doctor's orders" she explained as she pulled away, moving one knee onto the bed as she began to struggle with her top, which she was sure wasn't normally so difficult to get off. "Dr Chakwas insisted I needed so R&R". She managed to bare her midriff successfully, and get the top over her head, but at that point the fabric stopped co-operating, and since she was now unable to see if became much harder to figure out how she'd apparently trapped both arms. Hearing the mattress shift beneath his weight, she felt Kaidan's fingers running up her sides and she wiggled very slightly at the ticklish touch before he grabbed her shirt and freed her from it, dropping it to the ground.

"I could have provided that Shepard" he assured her with a smile, his hand moving back down across the bare skin of her stomach as she put both her hands on her hips, but despite the fact his comment was clearly a come on, his use of her last name had reminded her of her conversation with the ship's doctor.

"Hey – yeah…" she began ineloquently, alcohol loosening her tongue but also depriving it of any intelligence. "She also said that she would always called me Shepard – she asked why I never call her Karin, and I said she never uses my first name either, and she said she never would, because it would be an insult to all those people I'm fighting for. And I said that makes no sense, but she still won't budge – and you never use my first name either" she finished, finally getting to her slurred point.

He hesitated for a moment before shrugging. After all, she had a point.

"I guess I just got used to calling you Shepard. That felt pretty daring considering how long it took me to stop calling you 'ma'am'" he reminded her with a smile.

"Kaidan, you share a bed with me every night, I think you can get away with calling me Sophie. And Dr Karin's reasoning that it disrespect makes no sense, Ash wouldn't have cared, nobody else would care" Shepard pointed out, turning into a slightly belligerent drunk now and Alenko sat up properly, his hand moving to the small of her back as he pulled her down to kneel on the bed closer to him.

"Maybe it's because your real name is so…feminine. It doesn't suit you".

The blonde raised one eyebrow, lifting up a hand to yank the band that held her hair in a tail (managing to actually pull it loose on the second attempt) so her fair hair tumbled loose around her shoulder, and she glanced down at her body before lifting her gaze to his – and noted, with some satisfaction, when her eye level had dropped to her chest his had followed and it hadn't returned yet.

"I'm not feminine?"

"Don't you twist my words" he told her with a low chuckle, planting a kiss on her exposed shoulder. "You're beautiful. But you're also the strongest person I know. Commander Shepard – your name reflects that, that you're a solider and a hero. Sophie just…doesn't fit the way people think of you".

"You may have a point there" she conceded, one hand stroking down the length of his chest.

"Why does it matter? Does it bother you?" he asked, manfully trying not to be distracted as her fingers traced the along the muscles of his stomach.

"Not really" she confessed. "Not till Dr Chakwas said it". The blonde had never really considered it before, people had been calling her Shepard for so long even she had begun to see it as the norm.

"Well then" Kaidan said, his comment effectively drawing a line under the conversation and dismissing the topic – and if his tone hadn't been enough to do it, his actions certainly would have been as he leaned up to kiss her, one hand moving to cup her face. His fingers brushed against her jawline and the sensitive skin of her neck and she shivered slightly under his touch as her lips parted against his and the hand of his stomach snaked lower. Her fingers brushed over hair before sliding beneath the sheets. She felt as much as heard the moan that escaped him as her fingers caressed him through his underwear.

He shifted, lying down and pulling her with him so she lay on top of him, five of his digits splayed against the back of her head and tangled into her golden hair, the other traced down the curve of her spine to undo her bra before it moved lower, his other hand sliding rapidly down her body as well as he began to fumble at her trousers, but they fitted too snugly to move without being undone and he rolled her over again, the blankets tangled around them as he loomed over her, bracing his weight on one hand while the other fumbled at the fastenings of her clothing.

"Kaidan Alenko, the Second human Spectre, Major in the Alliance, humanity's best and brightest – defeated by a belt buckle" her commentary was giggled and had Kaidan chuckling as well, he lowered his head to the taut skin of her stomach and pressed a kiss there as he finally managed to undo her clothing and tug the trousers down.

"That coming from Commander Shepard, Savior of the Citadel, who got trapped in her own shirt not five minutes ago?" he pointed out, his tongue dipping briefly into her navel and a breathless laugh escaped her.

"At least I can blame the alcohol" she pointed out, using the moments where he was distracted by the task of divesting her from her trousers and boots as a chance to remove her bra and then prop herself up on one elbow to watch him as he turned back to her. His gaze raked up her body, over her legs, the black underwear that was the only clothing she still wore, up her stomach and her bare breasts before it stopped on her face, meeting her gaze and she swallowed.

"Problem?" she questioned when he didn't move or speak, her voice coming out as a breathy whisper.

"No problem" he assured her with a shake of his head, shifting to crawl back up her body and catch her mouth with his own. His fingers trailed up the skin of her leg to her hip, tracing the faint ridge of bone there as he spoke. "Just thinking how lucky I am…Sophie".

**So intially this was going to be smut...but my muse failed on me. Thanks to all my followers and for everyone who has reviewed my story, I have a few more ideas still and maybe in the next chapter my muse will be more helpful!**


	6. My Hero

"Are we safe here?" Liara questioned, glancing around as they entered the apartment. "If these people are watching your comms, who knows what else..." the asari pointed out, her tone concerned and Shepard nodded.

"James, Wrex, Garrus, Tali – can you sweep the place?" she said, offering a brief grateful smile as they moved.

"I will begin analysing what we have" EDI said, moving away. "Staff Analyst Brooks, would you like to assist me?"

"It sounds better then checking for bombs" the Alliance officer murmured, following the synthetic.

"You're wounded Shepard – would you like me to take a look?" Liara offered, but Shepard shook her head. "Talk with EDI. I can handle it" the blonde assured her and Kaidan touched her back gently.

"C'mon, Shepard, I'll help you get mopped up" he murmured, gently pushing her forward toward the stairs.

"What about me?" Joker asked plaintively.

"How about, sit somewhere and try not to break any bones in the act?" Shepard quipped toward her pilot, who dropped gingerly onto the sofa with a exhale that indicated he felt unimpressed with her reaction.

"We're still going to discuss you using me as bait" the flight lieutenant called after her as Kaidan helped her up the stairs and into the bathroom where he began to take a look at her arm full of shrapnel.

"Well that was fun" he murmured, holding her elbow up to examine the damage and Shepard nodded.

"I know, there I was sitting with Joker in a nice restaurant and thinking 'this place could use some gunfire'" she pointed out, rolling her eyes. "I mean, what's a sushi dinner without a fight and being chased around the Citadel by more people trying to kill me when I don't have my gun, my armour or Medi-gel – I couldn't have planned myself a better evening if I tried!" Shepard said, her tone dripping with sarcasm, wincing as he dug a shard of glass out of her.

"I think you should fight in this dress more often. I had some nice views" Kaidan teased her gently, glancing at her attire – fine for a nice evening catching up with a friend, not so appropriate for ducking behind benches and firing on mercs.

"No chance, you're already distracted enough by EDI and I prefer my team to be looking at the enemy rather then my ass in a battle" Shepard said, shifting uncomfortably as he continued to dig crap out the wounds in her arm.

"Sit still Shepard, you're not making this easier. And I'll have you know, I wasn't distracted at all. I was utterly focused on rescuing you, my damsel in distress" he said, kissing her cheek gently as he threw the last piece of metal into the bin and prepared the Medi-gel.

"Damsel in distress is it?"

"Admit it – I was your hero this evening" he said, sweeping his omni-tool down the length of his arm. "You cowered behind me at one point, don't think I didn't notice that-"

"I was dragging you behind that panel to avoid you being gunned down when the shuttlecar door opened!"

One hand either side of her on the bathroom counter she leaned against, so she couldn't move away, Kaidan smiled. "C'mon. Dating the Savior of the galaxy would leave any man with an inferiority complex. Give me tonight" he murmured, lowering his head closer to her own and Shepard lifted her uninjured arm and wound it around his neck, her forehead leaning against her own.

"Very well, my knight in Alliance armour" she murmured, kissing him softly. "I was overjoyed to be rescued by you in my moment of peril" the blonde told him, although her voice became marginally more serious with her next comment. "It was nice to see you back in action with your biotics".

"Ruining the mood Shepard"

"It was...pretty hot".

"Better. And thank you" he added, kissing along her neck, his hands lifting from the counter to rest on her hips. For a moment she allowed the embrace, tilting her head back before she sighed and gently pushed him away.

"I have to get dressed into something more appropriate, and go see what EDI and Liara have" she pointed out, but Kaidan wound his arms around his waist to hold her close, his words murmured directly into her ear.

"What, I don't get a thank you for showing up and saving your life? I'm always very appreciative when you do the same for me...and it would be a shame to waste your outfit".

"One thing this apartment is lacking, if you have not noticed, is doors – and all our friends are here".

"They already know about us" he pointed out, rolling his eyes.

"Knowing and watching are different things" Shepard pointed out with a laugh as she extracted herself from his embrace but she lingered at his side for a moment, touching his face gently with her fingertips as her eyes met his.

"Thank you" she murmured sincerely. "What would I do with you?"

"You'll never have to find out" Kaidan responded, his tone absolute sure, filled with conviction, a promise he made as he met her gaze. For a moment the two stood there, locked in one another's eyes before she smiled slightly, the expression oddly vulnerable and grateful, and stepped away.

"I'm getting changed, go stand by the door and make sure Javik doesn't walk straight in – he has no concept of personal space or privacy" she pointed out as she walked out the bathroom toward her wardrobe.

"You're worrying about Javik? He's a Prothean, he's not going to care that you're undressed – he thinks we're all primitives, he finds the fact we ever wear clothes impressive. It's the equivalent of you seeing a chimpanzee naked" Kaidan pointed out as he crossed the bedroom.

"Compare me to a chimpanzee again, Alenko, and you're never getting any 'appreciation' from me again".

* * *

><p><strong>Now might be a good time for me to say...these are written and published in no order other then the one they appear in my mind. They're just random one shots which I have not written chronologically. <strong>


	7. Fraternization

"Jesus, Shepard – do you never empty your inbox?" Kaidan said, shaking his head in despair.

"If I remember correctly, you're supposed to be checking updates from Hackett and the technical team on the Crucible, not going through all my emails and judging my organisation of them" Shepard said. The Admiral had stopped sending them both the same information recently, she supposed that meant the secret was out about the two of them and he saw no reason to waste his valuable time writing them separate emails covering the same information. She had been fine with it, Shepard had nothing to hide that meant Alenko couldn't be on her personal console, but she saw no reason she should be criticised by him.

"I'm not nosing, but I saw the number at the side – 2746 emails? Seriously Shepard?!" Kaidan said, shaking his head despairingly.

"I don't want to delete anything important accidentally, and I don't have the time lately to work through them – Reapers class as higher up my list of priorities then my overflowing inbox" the blonde told him, sat cross legged on the sofa and re-lacing her boots after a shoelace had split earlier that day.

"What about when you were relieved from duty for six months? All that time, sat around with nothing to do but enjoy hot food, soft beds, bubble baths and flirting with Vega – no time to delete a few of these then?"

"I spent half my time in tribunals and trials actually" she told him, putting the offending boot down now she had finished with it and moving so she was kneeling on the seat, her arms folded on the back rest and she could face him through the glass where her spaceship models hung. "Besides. My hoarding served me well. I had nothing to hide, and plenty of evidence that I had worked with the Alliance wherever I could. It helped me out when I was trying to avoid court martial" she pointed out, looking a little smug.

"What about...the email I sent you?" Kaidan asked, hesitant and quiet.

"It's in there" Shepard told him, her voice low.

"I wondered...well, I'd wondered whether you got it. You never mentioned it, or replied at the time" he pointed out and the blonde stood up and walked around the partition, perching on the desk and taking his hand.

"I was worried...that if I replied I'd put you in danger" she confessed. "If I had written back...I'd have wanted to tell you the truth. That I still loved you. That I was sorry, about being gone, about not having called. That the first moment I could, I had gone to the Citadel and asked Anderson about you, but he stonewalled me. Said he couldn't tell me where you were, or how to contact you. That I missed you, that I wanted to take down the Collectors, but I'd much rather have done it with the Alliance if they'd have taken me back and dealt with the threat. I wanted to tell you everything...but I knew that the Illusive Man and Miranda monitored everything I received, and I was pretty sure they were watching my outgoing messages as well. If I'd poured my heart out...they might have seen this as a problem. I didn't want them to eliminate you to be sure you couldn't distract me or persuade me to leave them. I didn't want to put you at risk" Shepard explained, unable to meet his gaze.

"So then" she continued, "I thought about sending you a lie. Telling you that your doubts were right, that I didn't want to see you any more, that I wasn't the person I had been before they got their hands on me. I thought about pushing you away, making you hate me, so you'd be safe. But then I realised...the truth was, I couldn't manage to be that selfless" Shepard confessed, her voice filled with shame. "I could have said...carry on. Keep dating this Doctor, forget me, pretend I'm still dead because the woman you loved died and that part of me wasn't revived. I should have but...I was still hoping I'd survive and maybe one day we could figure out a future. I couldn't bring myself to push you away to save your life if it meant you'd never care for me again".

Finally she lifted her eyes to his face, her gaze slightly blurred from tears that threatened to fall. "I'm an Alliance Marine, an N7, a Spectre. I have sacrificed people, I've been willing to sacrifice myself. That was the first time I found I...I couldn't do it. So...I said nothing. I did nothing". It was not a moment she was proud of.

Kaidan had sat in silence through this, and now he lifted one hand, touching her cheek gently. "Sophie..." he murmured, trailing off. "Sophie...I'm glad you didn't lie. I'd hate to think that we'd have never had all this" he assured her, leaning in to kiss her softly.

The blonde is not comforted by this, a heavy weight sitting on her heart, her worst fear out in the open now.

"What does it say though? That, I couldn't sacrifice this...what if one day I need to...what if it has to be me, or you, or this, and I can't" Sophie said, a frown crumpling her features.

"I guess that's why the regs against fraternization are there" Kaidan said softly. "Because in a fight, I'm always watching you, and checking you're still there, still going...messes with my focus."

"Same...but you give me something to fight for as well. A reason to make sure I never give up. A reason to remind me why I have to keep going and win this fight...and a soft place to land when I'm struggling" Sophie added, her fingers trailing along his shoulder. For a moment she was silent then she shook her head slightly, as though the movement would send these thoughts scattering.

"No. No more" she said firmly. "We're both getting through this together. Negative thinking never got us anywhere, right?"

"Right".


	8. Living Legend

Exiting the elevator, she paused as she always did to consider the memorial before her for one moment – but she heard voices drifting down the corridor and turned her head to the lounge. Unusually, the doors were open, held in that position by Garrus leaning against one of them were it sank into the wall. The turian was looking at her, and as she met his gaze he made a gesture with the hand closest to her, the same one they made in a fire fight that meant 'keep quiet and go slow' and she frowned, curious and confused as she began to focus on the voices.

"I'm just saying, Alenko, it can't be easy – I mean, Lola's service record is seriously impressive. Basically the whole galaxy know the story of Commander Shepard. It's a good story. Unassuming background on Mindoir with farmers, batarians arrive and either slaughter or enslave most of them, by the time the Alliance arrives there's only half a dozen people left and they credit their survival to a sixteen year old. Two years training with Biotics, then joining the Alliance. The Star of Terra for the Skyllian Blitz at just twenty two, the youngest ever graduate of the N7 programme, first human Spectre, Saviour of the Citadel, destroyed the Collectors after coming back from the dead – plenty of people don't even see her as a mortal, she's like...untouchable, a symbol not a person, to the Universe. That doesn't make you just a little, y'know...insecure?"

Whilst James had been speaking, Shepard had approached the door slowly till she stood opposite Garrus and she raised an eyebrow as she looked up at her old friend, the expression on her face questioning, but he was still watching the group sat at the card table.

"People who think like that about Shepard, they think that because they don't know her. Sure, if you just list off those exploits, it sounds impressive, impossible, and seriously intimidating – but you should know, when you work with somebody, fight alongside them, see them every day...you see that they're human, like everybody else".

"Yeah" - a different voice piped up, Joker had joined them and was apparently a part of this conversation - "Shepard might be a living legend now, but some of us have been there since she was just, y'know...your average, run of the mill Alliance hero, back before Eden Prime and Saren and this whole shitstorm of mess began. Back before 'saving the entire universe' became part of our job description – can you believe we don't even get a pay rise with all this extra trouble we're taking?"

"Don't forget as well" Garrus said, joining in. "We were there with Shepard. We know that she needed a lot of help with most of this – you know the reason she gets the credit is all a PR stunt. I'm the real hero of this operation, Vega".

"They just don't want your ugly mug on the posters, that is Scars?" And Garrus laughed, that rasping coughing laugh she knew well as she rolled her eyes at the two of them.

"Shepard's an incredible solider" Kaidan said, returning to James' question. "She's also a diplomat – peace between Krogans and Turians, you can't argue with that result – and a leader, and her biotics are impressive. But we know she's still human, and I guess that's how I think of her. I don't sit around thinking she's the first human Spectre, nobody on the Normandy does. We've seen the other side".

"You're lucky you joined up later" Garrus informed Vega. "In the early days, before the shuttle, the Normandy had a Maeko – and the way Shepard drove that thing still gives me nightmares" the turian said, shooting a quick glance toward the blonde.

"He's not kidding" Joker said, a genuine element of alarm in his voice. "There's a reason she's never, ever been allowed to touch the controls of the Normandy, and I warned Cortez to keep her away from the shuttle. Shepard behind the wheel of anything is a nightmare".

"She's like that with anything, she never takes care of her kit" Kaidan told Vega who snorted.

"You think I don't know that? I'm the one servicing her guns and checking her armour, Shepard has no concept of how expensive maintaining that Scorpion she loves it because she's so damn hard on it".

"She can't keep fish alive either" Kaidan told them, his voice familiar to Shepard even if she couldn't see him, it was the tone he used when he felt it was imparting a secret. "EDI told me that she has Traynor go up and feed them, because otherwise there'd be an aquarium full of corpses-"

"And likely Shepard wouldn't notice that either" Garrus added.

"OK" Shepard said, announcing her presence now as she stepped into the room. "That's enough of bashing your superior officer" she said, folding her arms across her stomach. Garrus chuckled again as she stepped into view, Joker and James looked shocked, even if Kaidan merely grinned at the sight of her. The three men were sat around the card table, but it appeared at some point they'd lost interest in the game.

"Besides, that is one area Kaidan has the jump on me" Shepard said, speaking to James as she moved to take the fourth seat at the table. "Major outranks Commander. For all the crap I've done, I've never warranted a promotion from the Alliance – and I have been meaning to ask, Alenko, whether that title came with a payrise?" she said, glancing to him as she teased him but James snorted.

"Like it matters. The Normandy is your ship and everyone knows it. He can't pull rank on you, EDI wouldn't allow it".

"Nor would Joker, he still maintains it's 'his' ship" Shepard added.

"She's my baby" the pilot said defensively and the rest of them laughed.

"It's a good thing EDI is part of the ship, otherwise I think she'd get jealous of your great love of the Normandy" Shepard teased him and Joker shrugged good naturedly. "Right – can I trust that if I go now, you lot will stop discussing my flaws?" she checked, standing back up and Joker let out a dramatic sigh as he pretended to consider the idea – but Kaidan was getting to his feet.

"You can't be trusted?" she said, looking at the Major who chuckled good natured.

"I can always be trusted, but having gambled away everything but my clothes, I think it's best I duck out this game with my dignity, and outfit, still intact" he said, moving away from the table and the two left the room. Shepard had originally been intending to visit Liara, or more correctly, check if Liara was in her office and, if not, read through the 'irrelevant' messages on her computer, but with Kaidan here now she had another idea and as the doors hissed shut behind them she pulled him toward the elevator. Kaidan grinned as she pulled him inside and hit the button for her cabin, stepping closer to her with both hands moving to her hips.

"I'd never have guessed eavesdropping on your crew talking about your flaws would put you in the mood, Shepard" he teased gently.

"You wish, Alenko" she said, gently pushing him off as the doors open. "The only reason we're heading up here is so I can tell you off without ruining your reputation. Telling people I'm a bad driver-"

"That was Joker and Garrus-"

"And that I can't take care of fish. How rude" she said, taking a seat and folding her arms. But as he took a seat beside her she dropped the sulk and the joke and spoke to him seriously, finally able to be honest now she felt they were alone – even in the elevator she felt guarded. Now they could talk.

"What James was asking – does it bother you? Do you feel overshadowed?" she questioned him, wrinkling her brow. In any normal relationship, Kaidan would be the high flyer, the successful partner, the hero. He was young to be a Major in the Alliance, and being the second Human Spectre was still an incredible achievement...but in his case, his girlfriend had gotten there first.

"Maybe a little, but whatever made you think I wanted to be in the spotlight?" he pointed out and Shepard had to admit he had a point. Kaidan got the job done, but he didn't do it for the glory. She supposed she ought to have known better then that. "I've missed a trick here though, haven't I?" he continued after a moment. "I should have said yes and guilt tripped you into making it up to me".

"Emotional blackmail doesn't work on me" she told him with a laugh as he leaned in to kiss her neck.

"Seduction?"

"That does" she admitted, tilting her head back. "But that seems to get me what I want, not what you want..."

"You don't know what I have in mind. You might be CO of the Normandy, but in here? I think we know I'm the boss..."


	9. Risky Tactics

Her head pounded and spun, she felt dizzy and nauseous with it. The sudden return to fresh air, clean, cold sea air, ought to have helped but the contrast between up here and down here was too sudden, too sharp, and rather then inhaling gratefully it stung her lungs and increased the feeling of light headedness. Tumbling out the mech she hit the ground with a thud and an involuntary moan escaped her. Even in this state, she was aware of fighting around her. Her arms shook as she tried to push her weight up, she was trembling and on the verge of being sick, all her limbs felt like cotton wool, weak – and her vision was blacking around the edges.

Aware her name had been yelled she tried harder, crawling with less certainty then a baby just learning locomotion. The ground seemed to be moving – had it been moving before? Was that the sea, or footsteps, was the Leviathan making its presence felt? Shepard couldn't be sure of anything, thoughts were almost painful. The creature of the Deep had left her in pieces, ripped through her brain curious as to what it would find, and a fire fight was not a good place to put yourself back together.

A hand on her shoulder, an arm around her waist. Voices yelling, gunfire, roars, the wind and the waves – it felt like a sensory overload that meant nothing made any sense. Then darkness.

"Shepard? Shepard, wake up! She's freezing, her hands are like ice – we don't have a blanket or anything abroad this shuttle do we?" Rough skin, chapped, calloused hands grabbing her own and rubbing warmth into her pale fingers – that made more sense to her then the rush from before, and opening her eyes, the room swam for a moment but images were clearer now. Kaidan knelt at her side, looking concerned, James gripping an overhead handle and frowning at her. Lying prone on the floor always felt vulnerable and she tried to sit up, rapidly – and that did not help her pulsing head.

"Hey, slow down there – you OK?" Kaidan asked, his tone slightly relieved as he slid one arm around her back to support her.

"I've been better" she said, trying to sound unconcerned and still insisting upon attempting to pull herself upright, one hand reaching out to grab the edge of one of the shuttle seats to help. The Major, used to her stubbornness, elected not to try and stop her and instead offer any support he could to get Shepard off the floor and onto a seat, perching beside her with one hand gripping hers.

"Never do that again" he said, his voice a little shaky. "You had me worried then, Shepard" Kaidan added, shaking his head slightly.

Leaning back – her head spun less when it wasn't wobbling on her neck – the blonde squeezed his fingers reassuringly, but her tone was teasing as she spoke.

"I'd have thought, by now, you'd have given up worrying" she said, trying to swallow back the nausea. "I mean, c'mon – diving down in a rusty old mech to talk to a Reaper killer can't be the worst thing I've ever done. I had half of Sovereign fall on me and crawled out alive, I flew through the Omega-4 relay. Took on the Shadow Broker. Destroyed a Collector Base. Pissed off the Illusive Man. Fought a Reaper from the ground on Rannoch. Was patched into the geth consciousness-"

"Faced down Wrex in a bad mood" James chipped in.

"Not to mention repeatedly blows things up without letting me know she's got a plan for getting out safely" Cortez added.

"You should know by now, I always get through this shit in one piece" Shepard explained, trying to offer Kaidan a smile. The Major shook his head.

"I'll always remember when Joker's escape pod opened and you weren't there. I remember the time you didn't come back" he pointed out, his voice filled with grief at the memory. Shepard bit her lip before reaching for him, her other hand moving to take his hand.

"I feel nauseous and I have a headache like you can't imagine...but I'm alive. I'm here. We're fine" she assured him, closing her eyes after a moment. "And I may have just gotten us some more help against the Reapers...so now is a moment for being glad another day's shit is over. Not for worrying, yeah?"

"I hear you" was the quiet, sombre reply, but she felt her hands being lifted and the warm touch of his lips against his fingers. "I love you" was the next comment and Shepard forced her eyes open.

"I love you too Kaidan".

"Enough to stop scaring me like this?"

"Enough to be sorry that I have to".


	10. Loose Lips

"OK, OK – Kaidan, so I've always wanted to ask" Joker began, and despite the fact she was beginning to feel distinctly fuzzy around the edges from alcohol, she could still guess this was going to be an awkward question the pilot would regret asking once he was sober, if not before. The alcohol was working to loosen his tongue as well apparently.

"I never had the nerve but - your hair – what is with that?" the Flight Lieutenant finished, and she couldn't help the chuckle that escaped her, one hand lifting to her mouth as though to hold the giggle back. "Is that product, man? Or are you just naturally…whatever…that…is?"

Kaidan shifted position before replying, a little uncomfortable at the sudden change in conversation she guessed, recognising the way he fidgeted and sat forward on the sofa as a sign he was feeling awkward.

"It's static electricity, actually" he confessed. "Biotics build up a charge, like the ship does during FTL. It's not so bad with the L3s and later one, but with L2s…yeah, it can get pretty bad. Pretty painful" he said, one hand lifting to rub the back of his neck.

"OK great, wow. I was just screwing with you and now I'm an asshole" Joker said, dramatically flopping backward in his seat with a thud that had Shepard wincing on his behalf, expecting a cry of 'my pancreas' to escape her pilot as he broke his ribcage on her couch.

"It's cute" she teased gently, lifting one hand and reaching to muss the curls affectionately, Kaidan turning toward her with one eyebrow raised sardonically as he looked up at her, her position on the arm of the sofa lifting her up above the others.

"Gee, thanks Shepard".

"Wait" Joker cut in, sitting himself up again as another thought occurred to him. "Is that why Jack had that shaved hair look? Avoiding bad hair days?"

"No, Jack's ten years younger – well out of time for the L2s" Shepard pointed out with a laugh.

"Wow, you're just full of compliments tonight aren't you" Kaidan send, rolling his eyes with a chuckle. "Are you having a dig about your age?"

"Wouldn't dream of it Major" she said, offering a softer smile, her hand sliding out his hair to rest on the back of his neck gently.

"If you're gonna be mushy, I'm getting out of here" Joker said, trying to push himself up from the sofa with some difficulty.

"Good idea. Go find EDI before Traynor converts her" she teased, watching him struggle to his feet as Kaidan wrapped an arm around her waist.

"Now I can get you back for making me sound old" Kaidan murmured and she grinned, leaning down to kiss him.

"You couldn't in front of Joker?"

"Well…I figured I wouldn't ruin your reputation. Wouldn't want everyone to realise you're not as in control as you seem".


	11. After Dinner

"I'm curious about something" Kaidan said, as the two sat before the fire having just enjoyed the meal he'd prepared – and managed not to burn despite distractions, in the end. "You don't cook?"

"I don't cook" Shepard confirmed, with a shrug of her shoulders.

"At all?"

"At all" the blonde repeated, rolling her eyes in a teasing fashion. "You realise you are not making Human Spectres or Alliance Majors look terribly intelligent at this moment, as you struggle with this basic concept".

"I just can't get my head around how you can manage to completely avoid cooking. What about when you're here on your own?" He questioned, sliding an arm around her shoulders and pulling her close. "Or when you were grounded for six months? Just – you must cook, sometimes; you mean you're just not very good at it?"

"Let me put it this way Kaidan" Shepard explained, twisting her torso so she could look up at him. "I live off whatever they serve up in the Mess, and ration packs, at all times. Other people might complain that that the food we get served on board is awful – me, I'm just happy to be eating stuff that wasn't freeze dried" the blonde explained with a shrug, settling herself more comfortable against his side. "The very rare occasions I have attempted cooking have generally ended badly".

"And here I was thinking there was nothing you couldn't do" Kaidan teased gently, toying with her hair. "I must say Shepard, I'm amazed. You can broker peace between turians and krogan, you can trash talk Reapers like they're drunken vorcha scum and you can walk away from the worst fire fights I've ever seen raring for more – but you can't manage to make yourself dinner?"

"I've had other things to worry about then becoming a domestic goddess. If you were hoping for a housewife, you're with the wrong woman" she huffed.

"I could teach you" he offered, still chuckling as his fingers stroked from the blonde strands down the line of her neck.

"I'm too impatient" Shepard said, shaking her head. "Even when I was young...my mother had tried to teach me, on Mindoir. Anything that required chopping, varying cooking times, supervision – I lost interest. I'd rather eat crap that can be ready in a minute then slave over a stove for an hour to create a culinary delight", the awful prospect of cookery lessons prising the truth out of her. "Why do you think I eat out so much?" she added with a rueful grin.

"Well, I had assumed that was because of your love of tumbling through aquariums" he retorted and Shepard sat up, pulling away from his embrace slightly so she could turn and face him properly.

"I thought we agreed not to talk about that" she said, raising one eyebrow in a fashion that Kaidan found both dangerous and incredibly sexy.

"No, I think you said you didn't want to talk about it. I agreed nothing" he told her, still grinning. "I haven't even had a chance to tease you about your clone yet" he reminded her.

"Only because during the fight, you were actually focusing on picking off targets rather than making snarky remarks, unlike everyone else – since when did being shot at become a good time to try sarcasm?"

"You're just annoyed they were stealing your act" Kaidan pointed out, leaning forward to kiss her, not at all bothered by the way she was sulking – he knew her too well. When she was angry, everyone knew it, this was her blowing off steam as he gently provoked her, and he found it endearing rather then intimidating.

"I was having enough crap dealing with the clone trying to steal my act, I didn't need the rest of the squad trying it on as well" she argued against his lips, climbing onto his lap and straddling him, her hands moving to cup his face. His own arms looped around her waist and he kissed her back, and she knew him so well she could feel that he was still trying not to smile against her mouth, and she broke the kiss but stayed in the embrace.

"At least you can feel confident now that if I was a clone, you'd have noticed it. That was a very poor imitation of me" the blonde pointed out, offering him a smile. There had been a very brief moment of concern in her mind he would doubt her once more with the arrival of the clone.

She well remembered how he had looked at her on Horizon, so conflicted, one moment embracing her as though he couldn't wait to have her back in his arms, the rest filled with suspicion as though she might knife him in the back. She remembered on Mars, the way he had questioned her, even comparing her to the Cerberus husks. It had taken time to persuade him, it had been as much from her actions as her words she suspected – she did not want to return to that place in their relationship where he watched her with a wary gaze. But today there was no doubt in his amber gaze and he chuckled now, unconcerned.

"I don't know, she got your farewell dead on" he reminded her with a smirk.

"I do not sound like that" she argued, kissing him harder to silence him.

With his mouth on her own, his tongue and teeth grazing her lips, his curling hair laced between her fingers as his own hands roamed her back, it was easy to forget the stresses that made up almost the entire fabric of her life, and just focus on this moment. On the two of them together, finally carving out some time that hadn't yet been disturbed by gunfire. As his fingers reached the hem of her top and began tugging it upward she lifted her arms, breaking the kiss just long enough he could strip her of her top and caress her skin. His fingers moved along the planes of her back, his mouth exploring the line of her collarbone and the hollow at the base of her neck as she sighed and arched her spine.

Her own hands caught his shirt by the neck and tried to yank the clothing up, an attempt that lacked finesse and was not successful until he let go of her and removed the offending article himself. Whilst he was reaching his arms above his head, Shepard slid off his lap, dropping to kneel on the floor before him, her hands moving up his thighs.

"Shepard – you have how many beds in this apartment? You can't wait till we get to one of them rather then defile the sofa" he questioned her, stroking a strand of hair back from her face as he leant forward.

"Hey – on the Normandy there's no choice but the bed. I thought you might like to try variety while we could. And there's a floor here as well".

"I think I'm getting too old to make love on the floor" he murmured and Shepard laughed, getting to her feet and offering him a hand.

"Well then – take your pick of the beds...but don't take too long deciding".


	12. Too Soon

Failure had never sat well with Shepard.

And so, unsurprisingly, the Commander was not doing well. It wasn't just that she had failed at the task, it was the magnitude of it, and the number of lives at stake, and the fury, at Kai Lang, at the Illusive Man, but at herself as well – not just because she had lost Thessia, but at her own arrogance. Shepard had never thought of herself as over-confident before today. But somewhere along the way, as the rest of the world relied on her ability to repeatedly pull off the impossible, Shepard must have begun to think...well, that she could do anything. But this time she had failed, she hadn't read the risks, she hadn't prepared well enough, and now...now the Asari home world was lost to Reapers, and the intel they needed to take down the Reapers and build the Crucible, she'd lost that as well.

It smarted more then she could say, there was a self loathing and an anger burning inside that turned her stomach and made her mouth taste like bile.

Shepard dealt with her emotions alone normally. She would retreat from the crew, shut herself away, and gain control before she emerged. It was not the greatest mechanism to cope perhaps, but it was always the way she had done it, the only way she could remain rational. But of course, today that wasn't possible. First she'd had to speak to the Asari Councillor, and she had heard how stunned the woman was, how shocked and disappointed, and it had only made her shame worse as she tried to apologise – and then there had been Liara.

Knowing her failure had lost an entire planet was never going to make Shepard feel good, but knowing she'd let down one of her dearest friends just made it worse. Leaving the war room and headed for her cabin, Garrus and Tali had stopped her, both of them very concerned about Liara and neither one sure how to approach her – would Shepard speak to her? Privately, the Commander couldn't see how her friend would want to her right now, she thought that Liara must hate her, but Tali and Garrus had been so concerned. So with a deep breath she'd stepped into Liara's office, keeping her emotions reined in tight as she comforted the Asari.

Somehow she'd managed it, somehow she'd managed to inspire Liara to carry on the fight, to use the resources of the Shadow Broker to help her people – and Liara hadn't blamed Shepard but somehow that only made her feel worse.

The only person she had wanted to talk to was Kaidan – less for comfort and more to have him hold the fort while she disappeared to lick her wounds. After checking his usual haunts, and her own cabin, she headed down to the cockpit – he and Joker had a long lasting friendship and she stopped behind the pilots chair with a sigh of disappointment that Major Alenko was still nowhere to be found, and the noise alerted Joker.

"So – Thessia...I'm guessing the Asari are wishing they had a few less dancers and a few more commandos right now, huh?"

Normally, Shepard was as up for snarky sarcastic banter as the next person but Joker's comment went right to the heart of her pain, and the blonde couldn't respond appropriately. For a moment she was silent, her hands curling into fists as Joker turned around to face her, raising one eyebrow. "Too soon?"

"In case you didn't notice a few million people just lost their lives. This is not the time" she managed to spit out, and something in the raw anger in her voice has Joker turning back and flicking through screens rapidly.

"You see this? Tiptree. Little colony out in the ass end of nowhere. My dad lives there. So does my sister. Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago. So you can assume that I'm generally aware there's a war going on, Commander". This was the moment where normally, Shepard stepped in to comfort and raise morale – although doing so for the prickly Joker, who was as defensive about his emotions as Shepard, would have been entirely new, and yet she couldn't manage the role.

"So why the jokes!" she shot back, raising her voice as she moved around to face him.

"Because EDI says that according to your armour's metabolic scans, you're under more stress now then during the Skyllian Blitz. Like, more than Elysium, where it was pretty much you versus 10,000 batarians trying to kill you! And the last time I had a briefing with Anderson, he told me to take care of you! The guy leading the resistance – on Earth! - is worried about you. And I'm supposed to help!"

"Well cracking jokes about my failure is not going to help" she shot back. "And besides – I'm just fine" she added, somewhat belated.

"As if! You're half robot at this point, and it's my fault. When the Normandy crashed...you died because you stayed to help me, because I wouldn't go". All the fight went out of Joker with that comment, he wasn't arguing with her any more, he sounded defeated and Shepard had a voice in the back of her mind warning her to treat carefully, she and Joker had never discussed this before, and what he needed was reassurance and a joke, and yet she found herself just barely holding back from yelling at her pilot.

"Well take what you feel about my death, take that guilt, and multiple it by a million lives, a million helpless people who were relying on me to save them and I couldn't, a few million lives Joker, an entire planet lost because of me, and take a minute to think about how I feel – and it's not just Thessia, there's Earth, and Palaven, and Sur'Kesh and the Citadel, there are billions of people relying on me and think about the guilt I feel when I fail and then ask yourself why it might be I think it's too soon for you to joke about the Asari!"

Her vision blurred with tears, but she could tell Joker was completely stunned by her outburst, he'd never seen her lose control – get angry, yes, but not upset like this, and he didn't even know what to do – but he didn't need to do anything as hands caught Shepard from behind, pulling her backward, turning her around. Even before she turned Shepard knew who it was, knew it was the one person she was looking for, because there was nobody else who'd dare grab her.

Strong arms folded around her, pulling her against a familiar strong chest, and Shepard closed her eyes and let him embrace her, one hand rubbing her back, able to hear him crooning softly in her ear as she inhaled the musky scent of his skin and she felt safe.

"C'mon – lets get you to your cabin" he murmured, making some gesture over her shoulder before he stepped back and took her hand, leading her down the deck to the elevator where he pulled her back into his arms, stroking her hair.

"So what was that about, hmm?" he murmured softly. "When EDI told me you were ripping into Joker I didn't believe her" Kaidan added, sounding wondering and Shepard sighed as she pulled away slightly.

"He made a joke about Thessia. And I – I failed all those people Kaidan, Kai Leng beat me, and the Illusive Man – they have the information we need, and if I don't get it back, we won't have any chance of defeating the Reapers, and how many more lives will be lost because of me then! I failed – and Joker's cracking jokes" she said, exasperated and close to tears still as they reached her cabin and she crossed the room, throwing herself down on the sofa, and Kaidan perched on the table and took her hands.

"Joker's always cracking jokes. And you've always known how many lives depend on us" he reminded her, gentle stress on the last word.

"I hadn't failed against the Reapers before" she said softly. There had been lives lost, there had been battles, but she'd never felt like she completely failed in her objective like today. "I hadn't let down a friend, let down a whole world of people expecting me to save them".

"So for the first time you failed at the impossible – you did everything that was possible Shepard. You've managed so much, more then anyone else could have – you can't beat yourself up. You couldn't have seen it coming" Kaidan said, his voice steady in contrast to her shaking. "The war isn't over. And you don't have to take this all on yourself...you have a crew, allies, the whole galaxy fighting – it's not just you. Letting the pressure get to you...that won't help".

A rational part of her mind knew he was making sense and she sighed, sliding one hand out of his grip to rub her face.

"I know you feel bad – but you've got to let that inspire you to fight harder, and to get back at Cerberus and the Reapers – not let it defeat you" he murmured softly and she nodded after a long moment, lifting her gaze to his concerned expression.

"I'm sure you're right...as usual" she murmured, although it was still clear from her voice she hadn't yet put it aside, hadn't yet accepted it, that she was still suffering with the guilt and the weight of a planet on her conscience. Kaidan shuffled forward, taking her face in both his hands, his thumb ghosting along her cheek.

"You did everything you could Shepard – don't blame yourself" he whispered.

**(ooc| I'm sure plenty of people will disagree with my Shepard breaking down but personally...I always felt Shepard needed a vulnerable moment, and after Thessia seemed the obvious one. After everything she's been through, it's a wonder she's not suffering PTSD, and I figure even heroes have their moments)**


	13. Tears

One by the one, the tears kept falling, and her cheeks felt raw from the salt. How long had it been since she cried? She mused, wiping the skin dry with the back of her hand, but immediately another tear slipped out and rolled across the freckled skin.

So far in the war, she hadn't allowed herself to stop and weep for the fallen. If she started, she'd never stop. There had been so many losses. Ash, Mordin, Thane, Pressly and the first crew, Legion and so many people she didn't even know but still felt she had failed them – the ships lost fighting Sovereign, the stations and colonies around the universe where the Reapers arrived before help did. If she stopped and mourned them all she'd end up so paralysed by grief she couldn't take option, she'd end up too depressed to keep fighting. So she thought of them, but she didn't cry. Had told herself she wouldn't cry until they had died in vain, and while everyone was still fighting, they hadn't died without reason, there was still purpose. There was still a chance.

But all that resolve had crumbled hearing Thane's voice once more. When Kolyat pressed the chip into her hand, she had known it would be emotional. Speaking at the memorial, gathered before the rest of her friends…that had already been hard. To see his face again…to find out what he had tried to send her while she'd been locked down…

That didn't mean she wouldn't listen though.

And now she sat on the bed sobbing like she hadn't in forever and telling herself she was foolish, and yet that didn't stop the tears. Knowing he had died well, that he was no doubt happier to have died in battle, helping, then just from an illness that dragged on for months – that didn't help. Knowing he was with his wife once more didn't help. That he was at peace, and no longer in pain. All these thoughts were rational, and it was her emotions that had taken over right now.

It was too much to hear the raspy voice whispering of love to her again. It had broken the resolve and now she cried for everyone.

The doors to the apartment opening didn't disturb her, nor did footsteps. What made her realise she was not alone was the sound of a voice from the doorway.

"Hey…did you want – do you want to be alone?" Kaidan checked softly and she sat up, rubbing her cheeks harder with the heel of her palms to brush away the tears – as though that would be enough to hide that she had been crying.

"I'm fine" she claimed, the words a lie. He had spent the day elsewhere, not wanting to intrude on the memorial he claimed, and she had suspected he also didn't want to hear what she had to say. The past might be forgiven, but it wasn't forgotten, and while she loved Kaidan – had never stopped him, in fact – asking him to be here and listen as she talked about her relationship was Thane was too much. Nor could she ask him to comfort her now while she sobbed over him. It was too much to expect.

But he approached her slowly anyway, taking a seat beside her. For a moment he didn't touch her, and she watched him through eyes sore and blurred with tears as he glanced around the room, his gaze lingering on the television before her and the light blinking.

"Was it the memorial?" he asked quietly.

"…No" she said, choosing honesty this time. "Kolyat gave me a message Thane had prepared while I was grounded" she added. There was a pause and he nodded slowly, sighing before lifting an arm and wrapping it around her shoulders to pull her closer, his chin resting on the top of her head.

"I might not be the best person for this" he admitted, "But…I'm sorry. He seemed like a good man from what I knew of him. I could tell he cared about you" he continued, his voice low. "And…well, he never showed any sign he resented me after he…stepped aside".

"He was a good man" she whispered.

There was a long silence that followed, as Shepard fought to get her emotions back under control and push away her tears, and Kaidan stroked her hair and waited. Eventually she pulled away from the embrace and sat up straight, her face still red and somewhat sore, but her expression calm once more and she met his searching gaze steadily.

"Thank you" she murmured, leaning in to kiss the corner of his mouth. As she pulled back he turned, one hand lifting to catch her jaw gently as he brought their lips back together, the kiss longer but still soft, a tender reassurance he sought to calm the slight worry, the jealous fear at the bottom of his heart.


	14. Future Plans

Closing her eyes she tried not to wince. Her implant was red hot, she could feel it under the bones, like a fire brand against her brain. The pain was burning - and of course, you can't pull away from something embedded inside you.

"Here".

Opening her eyes she looked at the glass of water being offered, glancing up at him as she lifted a hand to take it, one eyebrow raised in question.

"Don't give me that look. I know you well"

"Too well" she murmured, the glass against her lip as she prepared to sip.

"And I'm a Biotic too - that fight went on too long and you didn't let up. You'll do yourself some serious damage like that, you know that - you might have the L3 but it still has limits and you were over them today. It's a weapon, you're a weapon - respect it. Overheat your gun and you'll need a trip to the armory - overheat your implant and you'll be in the Medbay...and who knows when you'll be out".

She sighed despite herself, a streak of teenager rebellion that hadn't died even as she entered her thirties flaring up inside her. It wasn't that taking orders was a problem - she was Alliance after all. Everyone might think she did her own thing, but it wasn't the case. It was just in recent years the orders her superiors had given allowed for more interpretation.

But being told to take care of herself? That never went down well. She hated doctors, Chakwas as an exception and even the Normandy medical officer struggled to make Shepard attend for a physical. She downplayed any injuries, including her death, and never took the advice she issued to others. Shepard hated to be reminded of her mortality - and hated to look weak. Hated any attention that was focused on her weak points, her human frailties. She acted as though if by ignoring it, it wouldn't be a problem.

Days like days proved the danger in that. But even when she knew it, she didn't appreciate the lecture - not even from Kaidan. Her irritation showed in a crinkle that appeared across her nose as she lowered her gaze to the water she was gulping.

"Shepard...c'mon. I'm serious. You know you have to be careful".

"You sound like my mother" she pointed out as she lowered the glass. "I am fine".

"Today you are. But I'm serious - cool it. Hackett, Anderson - they want you at your best. Frying your brain with an overheated implant...is not your best".

"Were you this much of a pain to your squad?"

"When they need to be told to watch themselves, yes" he said, taking the empty glass and heading back to the bathroom. She could hear the water gurgling in the facet again and in a moment there was another full glass before her. "Drink".

"You're normally sexier then this when you're in charge" Shepard said, still sounding slightly irritated as she continued the back chat. It wasn't just Kaidan's probing - she knew he meant well - she felt frazzled and frustrated and the pain made her grouchy.

"Someone has to take care of you" he pointed out, taking a seat beside her, one hand lifting to brush her hair back. There was a scar, a line where hair never grew, and his finger brushed over it - though there was nothing he could really do. Keeping hydrated and waiting was the best bet. They both knew that. But his touch was a sign of how he wished he could help more, she knew that. She knew the feeling. It must be a little like she felt during his migraines - helpless, useless, but trying anyway.

Draining the glass she put it down and then leaned back, settling against him, his arm moving from her hair to slip around her shoulder and he kissed her temple gently.

"I'm not supposed to need taking care of".

"You're human. Everyone else forgets that, you forget that...but I don't. And if you don't respect your own limits I will keep reminding you. I'll nag if I have to" he told her, pressing another kiss against her hair. "And...here...you don't have to be so brave. Not with me" he added in a softer voice. "I know what the pain feels like. It's not weak".

"I can't afford to compromise my performance. I have to push myself - there's so much riding on us".

"Don't burn yourself out, that's all I'm saying. I know you want to be the best, and give your all - but if you give too much now, what about later? What about...afterwards?"

There was a long silence as she considered his words. Afterwards. She never really thought about it, but just for a moment she let herself. Shifting she lay down, her head on his lap, her sore throbbing temple against his legs, and she closed her eyes as he stroked his fingers through her hair, waiting to see if she'd respond.

"After? What do you...picture...after?" she asked.

"Well...us, obviously. I'd like to go home. British Columbia. I love space, love the Alliance, don't get me wrong, but home...is still on Earth. So...help rebuild. Retire from the military and some good as a civilian. Kids...a dog would be nice. Something...normal. But most important is that I'm with you". His confession was halting. Nervous, as he admitted dreams that maybe couldn't be, a hope so precious he barely let himself think about it, but still cherished. "Does that sound...ok to you?"

She was silent as she considered it. It was so hard to picture a future. A life without gunfire. A life without war. Something after the Reapers - but if you had nothing to look forward to, what were you fighting for?

Growing old with Kaidan. A life with solid ground under her feet. Helping without putting themselves in harms way. Children...his dark hair, her eyes maybe. The images that came to mind felt like catalogue photos - the two of them on a sandy beach with a dog whose fur was sodden with sea foam. Decorating a Christmas tree, floating a star to top, their biotics used only to avoid fetching a ladder. Bath time with a toddler, splashing and soap bubbles and child's laughter, pudgy feet sticking out from a towel. It was hard for her to imagine. An only child than orphaned in her teen years - family was something other people had. Hard to imagine...but not unpleasant.

"Shepard?"

"I never really thought about it...a life beyond the military. But than...I never really thought I'd meet someone like you" she murmured. "I always thought I was more suited to fighting than family but...with you...I think it would be an adventure".

More revealing than 'I love you'. Those words had never felt so hard to say. She did love him, she knew that, knew she could love him - that she couldn't place him over the needs of the universe, but it didn't mean she loved him less, only that she was her duty. But to admit that she wanted to believe they could have children and something stable, security, family...that felt vulnerable.

"Then try and take care of yourself, so we can have this adventure one day. There's nobody I'd want that future with but you".


End file.
